My Wedding Speech

I went to a nice wedding last week, as something slightly more than an invited guest.  The groom is from Singapore, and he speaks no Thai.  There were a lot of traditional, ceremonial things before the wedding, and I was stationed at his elbow to explain what people were asking him and feed him lines in Thai, sometimes just be the lawyer and speak for him.  It was a lot of fun.  None of it was rocket science, so I could handle it okay.  I know something about Thai people, and I've learned to keep things light and just have fun. 

I was told on the way that I was to give a little speech at some point, ten minutes or so, please make it a little bit funny.  Okay, I can do that.  I made some notes and ran through it a few times, but in the event the opportunity never came up.  Here's the gist of what I was going to say:

"(Greetings and thanks, etc.)  I've been asked to say a few words, and I guess I do know a little bit about marriage.  From the husband's point of view, of course.

My standard advice to young husbands is to practice in the mirror, look in the mirror and make a nice, relaxed smile and say, "yes, dear," over and over again until it becomes second nature, "yes, dear."  I say this because the husband's most important job is making his wife happy.  If the wife is happy, the husband is happy.

I think this works in both directions, and it's really a selfish act.  You make your spouse happy as a good way to make yourself happy.

Love is a simple thing, but it's never easy.  The hard part is learning enough about your spouse to find out how to make them happy.  Men are not famous for understanding women, and I'm not sure that women are any better at understanding men.  But it's important to try.  Find out what your spouse likes, find out what they need.  And then do your best to do those things, to make sure that your spouse gets the things that they like and need.

I said it's hard, maybe it's very hard.  I saw a book one time, "Everything That Men Know About Women."   When you opened the book, all of the pages were blank.  So you both have your work cut out for you, and I wish you the best of luck and success."

The bride is a fellow prof at the law faculty of my university, and I've known her for years.  She's a very nice young woman, she has a great temperament and she is a lovely woman in every way.  It was quite a relief to meet the groom.  These Thai weddings are a lot of work for the bride and groom, and he took the whole experience very good naturedly and with great patience.  I like them both, and actually I think they have a good shot.  I think they'll be fine.  Good luck! 

How To Be Happy: One Male Blogger’s Advice About Women

“If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,

Never make a pretty woman your wife.”

Jimmy Soul, "If You Wanna Be Happy."

And I agree. Oh! Ye of little faith! It sounds like a great idea, marry a beautiful woman, but the honor is all dubious, all the time. And yes, I know of which I speak.

A beautiful woman is always thinking: why did I fall for this asshole? Furthermore, many of the guys that she meets are asking her: why did you fall for that asshole? Dump him, they tell her, and hook up with me. Trading up is always an option for a beautiful woman, any little disagreement may trigger the impulse. The poor sap of a husband is constantly on trial.

Maybe it’s different with rich guys, they marry beautiful women all the time. In that case the woman always has a good answer to the “why did I marry this asshole?” question. Even for them it’s a challenge though, the beautiful woman always has options. She may safely dump one rich guy, leaving with a nice chunk of change, and come down on her feet with a new rich guy, maybe someone who’s a little less of an asshole. Most women don’t have any of these options, wonderful women, it’s true, but certain paths are closed to them.

For those of us who are not rich, the challenge of marrying a beautiful woman is a daunting one, like the challenge of climbing Mount Everest without oxygen. Maybe it works out okay; maybe you die.


The Solution

Luckily, there is a perfectly good solution to this problem, one in which the sincere male hominid gives up nothing at all.

Men, please consider: since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it is very possible to find a woman who is beautiful to you while falling short of that status in the eyes of men in general. For one thing, most men are a little crazy on the subject, they are convinced somehow that the Miss Universe/Victoria’s Secret/Playboy standard of beauty is the only way to go. The truth is that lots of women, tons of women, who look kind of plain in street clothes are, for all practical purposes, just as beautiful when push comes to shove, you know, in the arena where it all actually happens.

Besides, physical beauty is only one of the qualifiers in this inquiry, and not even the most important one. A sweet temperament; a cooperative disposition; a good sense of humor; a woman who is slow to get angry and quick to forgive; these are things of great value. And they last longer too.

Those are the best choices, my friends. Those modest, kind hearted women who possess the light but keep it under a bushel.

Marry well, live long, and prosper. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.