Are You Trying To Be Funny?

That’s a question that you’d hate to hear in a bar.

Sometimes I consider trying to be funny. Then I remind myself that trying to be funny is like trying to be cool. If you have to try, you ruin the whole enterprise. You’re either cool or you’re not. Same with funny.

(For the record, I am not now cool, nor have I ever been cool. Probably not funny either, unless you mean funny, you know, in the head.)

I had an idea for the blog that I discarded, because it seemed like the only excuse for it was an attempt to be funny. I try to entertain; funny is entertaining. It was a series of facetious questions. It occurred to me that people’s answers to the questions would be more entertaining than the questions, but I don’t have the kind of blog that gets a lot of comments. The questions in a vacuum would be sad. So I dropped the idea.

Here I’m just putting the idea to rest, throwing out a few of the sample questions.

Question: If you had to pick a movie to watch once a week for the rest of your life, which movie would you choose?

This seems like a tough choice until you realize that no regular theatrical release would be tolerable. The obvious choice is your favorite (redacted) DVD.

Question: If you were going to play a famous criminal in a movie, who would it be?

Age appropriate, please!

Question: (For a man) If you could be any famous actress for one weekend, who would you be?

Follow up question: Who would you want to have sex with?

This question, I think, works better for straight men than for anyone else.

Question: If you went to prison, which fashion icon would you prefer as your cellmate?

This question is probably rude.

Question: If you could commit one felony without being punished, what would you do?

Unless someone on your Death List is an urgent priority, the theft of a huge amount of money is probably the way to go here.

Question: If you could invite Bob Dylan to your house for one holiday (and he’d show up), which holiday would you choose?

Probably best to avoid religious or sentimental holidays. How about a Labor Day Picnic?

Question: Who wrote 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea or David Copperfield?

Warning! This is a trick question!*

Question: If Anderson Cooper were a baseball player, what position would he play?

Too easy. Second base. (What? You were expecting something rude? It’s a simple baseball question!)

Well, that’s it, folks! This particular idea for the blog is officially discarded.

*” 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea or David Copperfield” is a book by Robert Benchley, who was effortlessly funny and never seemed to have to try at all.