Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Not Entirely Truthful, That

Back when I was complaining bitterly about that other blog that was getting over eight hundred hits a day I suggested that I didn’t really care, I really only wrote this thing for myself, and the readers were just gravy. Suggested disingenuously, I think.

Because I do care. Why would I do all of this work, over all of this time, just to achieve some settling effect on my own misguided temperament? No, it goes deeper than that.

Upon reflection, I think that I do it in some hopeless striving for approval. That’s something that most people want, some more than others I suppose. I’m no Dr. Phil, I lack even pretend credentials for that status. I’d probably deny that the approval of strangers was important to me, but I’d be wrong.

Why am I a big tipper? Would I suggest that it’s because I appreciate the service? Maybe. Do I do it, as I sometimes say, because it’s the only place that you can buy a smile so inexpensively? No, I want the approval. I want the taxi driver to go home and tell his wife, I had a nice Farang today, he gave me an extra thirty Baht, spoke okay Thai too! I’ve always been a big tipper, I think I got the bug when I was a taxi driver myself, long ago and far away. People who gave me a larger than expected tip immediately went on the good list. I want to be on people’s good list. It’s illusory, though, and ineffective for the stated purpose.

I’m a shameless flatterer too. Here’s a big smile and a compliment! Love me!

“Misguided” applies to this blogging attempt to gain approval too. More readers does not equal approval. That other blog gets a lot of comments on every post, but lots of them are complaints about her politics. She does get a lot of good-for-you, though, and some you-go-girl! too. I love comments like that, I run to the computer in the morning hoping to find one.

How little I understand these things. And what a colossal failure I have been in accumulating real approval. Earnest but misguided, that’s me.

Now I’m begging, and that’s not polite. So accept my apologies, and don’t feel obligated to say something nice in a comment. Enjoy the pictures!


Anonymous said...

I'm no shrink either, but I think the need for approval goes back to trying to get our mother's love, when our mommy couldn't/wouldn't give it to us.
It could be worse, Fred...you could be a performer on stage or screen or American Idol, or a mime on a San Francisco wharf. These people are really desperate for approval.
Your cravings seem very moderate by comparison.


fred c said...

The mother angle is interesting. If someone, hypothetically, had a mother who was an island of fear and bitterness, they might wander through life searching for approval.